challenges (continued)

Yes, challenges continued!  A few weeks ago, I was really struggling emotionally.  It was around the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and I was entering into the pain and horror of what had happened 10 years prior. I'm not sure why I was doing this exactly.  Maybe part of the reason was the incessant news coverage---"specials" being run on t.v., interviews on the radio with survivors and family members, and so on.  The nation was reliving it all, and I was, too.  I took it all in, kind of "basting" in it.  When the attacks occurred ten years ago, my children were little, so I shielded them from the coverage, trying to keep them innocent and believing that their world was safe.  In the process, I shielded myself from it, too. This time around, I let the harsh reality sink in.  

On the home front, my oldest daughter, Cristina, got a job teaching Spanish at our local high school.  This is great news, especially in today's economy, but a first time teacher's job is overwhelming----there are lesson plans to put together (how do you teach a language that you learned so easily as a child?), classroom management skills to be developed and more.  I offered help when possible, but was quickly becoming as sleep-deprived and stressed as Cristina was.

My mother cares 24/7 for my stepfather, Mario, who has Parkinson's and dementia.  In reality, they both need help.  Care-giving is taking a physical and emotional toll on my mom, and on me and my sisters, as well, as we try to provide the support and attention they need.  We had scheduled a brief stay at a nursing home for Mario, so my mother could get a break, and it ended up being a fiasco.  The staff was friendly enough, but there simply weren't enough of them to give each resident the attention they needed.  We were there for lunch one day, for example, and two of the residents were having an argument.  The cook came out from the kitchen, exasperated, and blurted out, "Say you're sorry, and be done with it!"  (I'm certain she is a better cook than counselor.) 

All of this together felt like too much.  I started feeling fragile, like I was fast-approaching a breaking point.  It struck me that I needed "soul-tending".  Like a fighter between rounds, I needed someone to nurse my wounds, quench my thirst, and tell me that it was going to be all right.  I just plain needed to catch my breath, before getting back into the "ring" of life.

So I stepped away from the t.v. and news.  I listened solely to Christian music on the radio.  I took a friend's hand (or rather, they took mine) and asked people to pray for me. I made space to just "be".  I put boundaries on the time I invested planning Spanish classes and being available to my mom and stepdad.  I thought of the advice given on airplanes, that should the cabin lose pressure, parents are to put on their own oxygen masks first, before helping their children.  It always seemed selfish at first glance.  Shouldn't you make sure your kid is okay, before tending to your own needs?  But, no, you cannot possibly help others when you are floundering around yourself.  When Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," the assumption is that you love yourself, already.  

What do you do when your soul needs tending?